Let’s talk fear. Maybe an uncomfortable and sad topic, but it’s not. Let’s make fear not scary anymore!
For me, one of the best ways to give a big middle finger to fear, is by talking about my fears. Now, by no means am I saying, wallow in self-pity, or complain to every person about your issues. Trust me, I’ve lived down that road too… [I raise my hand] - guilty as charged! - it doesn’t work. So this blog post, I promise you, will not be a sad story, and I’m not venting my guts, but I think you’ll be able to relate.
One of my biggest - fattest - ugliest fears is… it’s embarrassing…. It’s having a broken heart over loving someone, for eternity. Let me share a quote that really paints a picture:
“One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive”
Ok, so… you totally think I’m dramatic. Those words, a broken heart “for eternity”… but, by using the word “eternity” it makes it seem scarier and yes, this is exactly how I internalize it. And guess what, I can consciously say that I am allowing myself to be a slave to it. I’ll refrain from telling the heart breaking specifics and details …because honestly, they don’t matter. But, what I will says is, I’ve lived through my enormous earth shattering heart break, but I swear I didn’t think I’d survive it… good news, I totally did. Let me ask you this: are you happy?
———- Are you happy? ————
The other day, I was asked a very profound question by someone who once was an influential person in my life. “Kate are you happy?” Pretty sure that person didn’t mean for the question to be so “profound”, but to me, it was. So, to answer this question, I feel like former “Emotional Kate” or “Rapid Fire Kate” would usually respond without thinking. I would say something like, “Duh, what kind of question is that, do I not look happy to you?” — but this time… this time was different. I’m pretty sure I read those words, “Kate are you happy?” over a couple of days and really thought about my reply…
Woah, hmm is Kate happy? At one point, I allowed my heartache, pain, and confusion consume who I was. But, do my failures, mistakes, regrets, flaws, and current struggles define happy vs. unhappy? Am I currently going through some crap and carrying some pretty heavy burdens now? Yes I am. Is it easy? Nope. Is it fun? No way! Do my fears bring me happiness? Uh, no. But, do I need to worry about “eternity” or my “lifetime”? No! That’s too big of a job for me, PLUS it’s NOT my job. That job is for my Creator.
I have a constant reminder, every day! That as long as I am taking steps forward in faith, knowing this is exactly what God wants me to do… I’m going to be better than fine.
So this is my internal response to this profound question: Oh heck yeah I’m happy, because there is no way I’m going to live the life God gave me, in any fear. I’m happy knowing that my happiness is not defined by who I am, what I’ve done, or what my fears and struggles are.
Psalm 59:16 says “But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.”
2 Timothy 1:7 says “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self disciple.”
So, my “big fat middle finger” lingering lies and fear… is choosing JOY despite it all. For me, my identity is being a Daughter Of The King. I’ll take one step forward, then ten steps back (whoops)… but I keep smiling and choosing joy… knowing, hey I’m good. And I’m happy.
Just keep smiling my friends!